How To Do Disney World If You’re Not Into Disney

In case you’ve stumbled upon this post via a Google search, please be aware that this is a very specific article. It’s a guide to visiting Disney World if you’re not that into Disney. I myself am not that into Disney. And I worry about saying this, because some of the adults I saw at Disney World last April seemed to be very, very, very into it. I’m almost scared to write anything remotely scathing lest I get bombarded with abuse from Disney super-fans. Stabbed to death with a crystal-encrusted fairy Godmother wand. Strangled with a stretched-out Slinky Dog toy.

But here’s the thing: most of the adults I know in real life aren’t that into Disney. They have no strong feelings about it either way. And this post is for them. Maybe you also have no strong feelings about Disney: perhaps you’re pretty much ambivalent about it. Maybe spending a small fortune to fly halfway across the world and ride around a man-made river in a fibreglass clamshell isn’t high on your priority list. This post is for you, too.

And if you have arrived at this post via a Google search and are now perplexed as to why anyone in their right mind would go to Disney World if they weren’t that into it then I have one word for you (a word that should be pretty obvious but I’ll indulge): kids. Kids are surely the reason the majority of adults go to any theme park and – I’m going to go out on a limb here – also the reason that adults go to places like Centerparcs. Because what kid-free adult would voluntarily pay Business Class to Barbados money in order to stay in a faux log cabin, go swimming in a giant greenhouse and dine at a selection of the worst eateries Great Britain has to offer?

I’d hazard a guess at…not many. (I think I probably still have Centerparcs to look forward to, by the way – the kids never stop going on about it.)

So anyway, here’s my guide to doing Disney if you’re not that into Disney – aka “doing it for the kids”. And I haven’t written this post to diminish the experience of those adults who love a nostalgic, balloon-filled jaunt to Orlando with their special Mickey Mouse backpacks on, nor to be any sort of Debbie Downer about the place. If you read How To Book A Holiday That You’ll All Enjoy you’ll see that I booked the trip to Disney last year in part because I had always been curious about it: I had wanted to tick it off the list. See what it was all about. It wasn’t entirely a generous act of self-flagellation/martyrdom/insanity and, at any rate, I am pretty non-judgemental when it comes to what makes other people tick.

You get your thrills from the vacuum cleaner, power turned down to “rug” setting? Who am I to judge. Spend your weekends scribing love letters with your own blood? Knock yourself out. You voluntarily make an annual pilgrimage to a place with a pink castle and a haunted hotel, where every other building’s a merchandise store and every employee calls you friend? Slightly more niche, but you do you…*

Here are some helpful pointers and tips for anyone considering a trip to one of the Disney resorts. Or really, let’s be honest: any theme park. Call it the Cynics’ Guide. The Reluctant Person’s Checklist. If you have any doubts then just make sure you read this first!