The Latex Slug Head

Most random Amazon (Randomazon) purchase of the month: a latex slug’s head. And not my first latex head purchase, either, a fact you’ll find deeply worrying or utterly marvellous depending on how adventurous you are in life.

I was already the proud owner of a number of fun latex pull-on items: a latex halloween head that I thought was a scary pumpkin but is actually a rotten crab apple; a latex full horse’s head, complete with latex mane (would have been far better with some sort of actual hair); a latex shark’s head, with little latex teeth; a pair of large, black latex horns in the style of Disney’s Maleficent.

Quite the collection. If all else fails, career-wise, I’m pretty sure I could set up some sort of fancy dress fetish dungeon, where I cosplay different characters whilst whipping my customers with the fancy tasselled curtain pull that I’ve had for seven years and not found another use for.

Except - and here’s the rub - I couldn’t set up a fetish dungeon, because as it turns out, I get enormously itchy if any part of me comes into contact with the latex heads! (I should probably rephrase that, considering the general tone of this post; “part of me” makes it sound vaguely deviant and disgusting. I’m not going to rephrase it though, think of me what you will.)

Yes, I get itchy around latex. It started the last time I wore the horse’s head, which was halloween 2023 (the Jack O’ Crab Apple head would have been the obvious choice for the village trick or treat, but I went rogue) and every time I’ve attempted to don a latex head since then…well. It’s not the intense itch of, I don’t know, contact dermatitis, when you change the washing powder to a whitening one from America and spend the next week feeling as though you’re being eaten alive by red ants.

It’s not that degree of severity. It’s just an annoying, low-level irritation that starts on my face - reminding me of the days when I was testing out rudimentary retinol formulas (which wasn’t even that long ago), and I wouldn’t quite be able to put my finger on why my skin felt so irritable - and then I get tiny weeny fairy-sized itches on my scalp, on my arms, on my stomach, on my hips. As though I have three or four fleas just careering about the place doing random little nips.

The thing is, it started off as very low-key itchiness and only happened if I wore a latex head for a decent amount of time, say an hour; but now I get itchy even if I touch the bloody thing! Next it’ll be if I dare to simply smell it!

(I don’t make a habit of smelling the heads, by the way. It’s not a scent I find alluring, unlike fresh tarmac, creosote and petrol.)

Now I know that all you allergy experts are going to be horrified at the fact I’ve persevered with my latex head-wearing and head-touching despite the warning signs - I’m also aware that you can make the allergy worse the more times you expose yourself to the offending substance or material. But (and I know this is terrible) I’m finding it very difficult to believe that I have any sort of allergy. I’m forty-three! Why would this suddenly spring itself on me?

It’s not as though I’ve had huge latex exposure throughout my life. Apart from a short stint as a gimp, and another as a surgical glove-tester (joke!) (but which?) I’ve really had very little contact. I never got on with condoms, because they made the entire length of my reproductive tunnel swell up to the size of a -

WAIT!

Oh my God. Perhaps I’ve always been a bit iffy with latex? And - it’s all coming together now - could this be why eating lots of raw cherry tomatoes gives me tongue sores?

I’m going to finish this post and leave you to ponder. Now that you know the intimate details of my medical history and your imaginations are lumbered with explicit visuals. If it wasn’t such a potentially serious issue then I’d run a poll and get you to vote on whether you thought I had a latex allergy or not. But it might just be easier to go and get a test…

Weirdest thing you’ve bought online in recent weeks, please? Let me know in the comments. And please do smash the “like” button on your way out, if only for the various mental images I’ve left you with regarding my latex experiences.

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Some admin.

My new book, How Not to be a Supermodel, is out and available to buy here. If you like laughing, you’ll like my book. (I’ve paraphrased Lesley Thomas from The Times, there, but it’s an accurate statement.)

And I am over the moon to tell you that it went into the Sunday Times bestseller list in its first week of publication. I feel a bit of a knob telling you this because it feels showy but at the same time I can’t bloody believe it and have a constant desire to shout my news from the rooftops. I might get a badge made, or a mug. I don’t think you get a trophy for writing a bestseller, especially if it’s just the one, so I need to think of other ways to commemorate the occasion…

Now I know that many of you don’t use Instagram and so have no idea how I sound, look or behave in real life (though the post you’ve just read should give you an inkling): if you would like to come and see me in person, say hello, have a chat, then I am at the following book talks and signings over the course of the next month or so.

Brighton on the 18th September: hosted by my friend and Super-Substacker Anna Newton at Brighton Waterstones. We will be chatting about my book but I imagine will veer off into the realms of wardrobe dilemmas because I really need to pick her brains about my current dressing fiasco. You can get tickets here - please do come and join us!

Bath Fashion Festival on the 21st/22nd September: I have been invited to be interviewed about How Not to be a Supermodel and to take part in a beauty panel at Bath’s first ever fashion festival in a couple of weeks’ time. It looks as though there are loads of different talks and installations happening so I shall be enjoyably meandering about for quite a lot of the weekend, no doubt. Tickets are for day entry to the entire festival, you can find more info here.

Bath on the 3rd October with Caroline Hirons: this is a Toppings bookshop event, but due to popular demand and a need for increased capacity it will now take place at St Swithins around the corner. More info here. Caroline and I will be talking about life in the noughties, how enraged she is about some of the happenings in my book and - without a doubt - beauty. There are a few tickets left, at time of writing - find them here.

Cardiff on the 23rd October with Sasha Pallari: this is an event with Griffin Books and it’s taking place in Penarth. Sasha Pallari is a beauty content creator and a welcome burst of fresh air on Instagram, spearheading campaigns regarding the use of face-changing filters and presenting herself honestly and openly, even at her most vulnerable. Her humour is contagious and I think our evening is set to possibly be quite a riotous one… You can get tickets here.